I was recently asked by a friend to speak with a group of moms with little ones about how to effectively manage time. When she asked me, I was at first honored, of course, and then, excited, honestly, because I finally had an opportunity to help young moms NOT DO WHAT I DID!!! I thought back to what that used to look like for me when I had little ones… and it took me back to a scene that both my son, Liam and I remember to this day.
It was a weekend, which were the worst days because I had even more to do than during the work week… It was winter in Pennsylvania, so my little almost 3 year old Liam was incredibly hyper and creating some havoc. To be honest, I don’t even remember what he did, because obviously that’s not important – funny how things lose importance over time. Regardless, I was at my wit’s end. I was trying to get important household tasks accomplished, I had been up since the crack of dawn with no break, and I just wanted him to take a freaking nap! He would not. Kept creeping downstairs, and I was getting more and more anxious that I would not be able to get my stuff done. I finally couldn’t take it anymore, grabbed him, spanked him on his butt, probably carried him to his room and yelled at him to stay in bed… I don’t remember. What I do remember though is later sitting in the big brown leather recliner after that awful scene, my heart beating through my chest, tears streaming down my face, sobbing… completely and totally at a loss. Little buddy crept downstairs while I was crying, sat on my lap, put his pudgy hands on the sides of my face and said in the sweetest, concerned voice, “Mommy, don’t cry… I sorry"
Nowadays, Liam is still as sweet and concerned about others as he was on that day. When I look back this scene, I feel guilty and regretful. When Liam looks back on this scene, he feels proud - he says that he's proud he was such an empathic kid because that led to who he is today (you DO get how he doesn't remember/hold on to ANYTHING related to MY behavior, right? And how the only thing I think about IS my behavior and regrets. This story is a stage setter...)
The primary physical feeling I remember when I had little kids was: “wired and tired”. This was all related to me running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day and all night, desperately trying to get my self-imposed list of tasks accomplished. Note, that my list was self-imposed. We will get to that later. The primary emotion I felt was guilt… (see story above). This was linked to the belief that I was a failure because I couldn’t get shit done… Fast forward 10 or so years, and I've finally learned a few things about how to manage my time without guilt and regrets.
Step 1 Get your mind right
Most of us are familiar with the concept of "How I think impacts how I feel, which determines how I act". If you are feeling like you are not effectively managing your time, you are likely burdened with thoughts/beliefs that contribute to your inefficiency. Some common thoughts are "I am a failure if I don't get X, Y, Z accomplished"; "I can't count on anyone else/have to do it all by myself"; "Their needs are more important than mine"; "Achieving ALL the things (career, side hustle, happy kids, happy partner, feeling rested) is possible if I just work really hard". None of these beliefs are 100% accurate, but when we walk around daily organizing our time around these myths, we either spread ourselves too thin, or become motionless. The key is to determine what part of the belief is the truth and what part is not true. What is the evidence I have FOR this belief? What is the evidence I have against this belief? And then, create a more realistic belief. For the first one, "I'm a failure if I don't get X, Y, Z accomplished" - try changing to "My priorities for today are X, Y, Z, but if I only get one of these tasks done... I am still successfully moving forward towards my goals". The truth part is that X, Y, Z need to get done, the lie part is that you're a failure if they don't all get done.
Step 2 Set Goals for the season and prioritize daily tasks
I find that moms of little ones often don't have personal goals of their own (that was me - I just completely set aside ANY personal goals when I was child rearing - my goal was to get through the day without chaos, get kids to and from daycare/school on time, feed them and get them to bed by a certain time - that was it!), or that they SAY they have goals, but they don't prioritize their time to achieve their goals. The classic is "I want to lose weight", but there is NO TIME spent during the day helping to achieve that goal (daily movement, meal prepping, getting hormones tested, reading up on metabolism for example). Look at how you spend your time in a typical day - where you are spending the most time, THAT is actually your priority, whether you label it or not - count up the hours and you'll see the story. Once you establish your goals with a reasonable timeline, brainstorm the steps it will take to achieve that goal. Then break those steps down into daily/weekly priority tasks. Stick to 1-3 tasks towards your goal in a day, and block the time you will need to complete the task. Pick a time where you won't likely get distracted or interrupted. Consider waking up 30 mins to an hour before anyone in your house. I don't recommend staying up late due to the impact on your physical wellness, but if you are able to be productive AND still get to sleep by 1000 PM, that may be a good option for you. Remember that any movement is forward movement - there is no need to accomplish all 3. If you don't, move those tasks to the following day (or another day that week). Your other day to day tasks will get done because they have to (dinner, drive to work, get kids a nap, etc..) but if you don't put your priority tasks on the list and schedule time to do them, all the other tasks will get done first. For more details on goal setting, check out https://www.aimforgentlewellness.com/post/stop-blaming-time-for-not-getting-what-you-want
Step 3 Get in a physical state to be productive
Lack of sleep is the biggest contributing factor to lack of energy or unfocused and inefficient use of time. Did you know that when you don't sleep enough hours (7 approximately is minimum needed for most adults), your cortisol level will be raised in the morning and therefore your hunger hormones grelin and leptin get out of whack? This causes not feeling full when you eat AND an increase in hunger throughout the day - a major double whammy, right? Not to mention that your brain repairs itself, gets rid of bad cells, toxins, and files away unneeded information while you are sleeping - when you don't get enough sleep, you will definitely not have a productive brain - you will have brain fog, poor memory, and likely will have emotional lability throughout the day. This is where my essential oils come in: 1) use peppermint, frankincense, or rosemary to help with focus, brain connectivity, and memory recall; 2) use wild orange, tangerine or other citrus oils to lift mood and increase energy; 3) use lavender, frankincense, or cedarwood to help you increase feelings of being calm, grounded, and balanced.
Step 4 Rally the troops (Set boundaries)
This one is not easy. You have to have already done the work in Step 1 before you do this. Share your goals with your kids, partner, co-workers in a way that helps them see how it benefits them as well. For example, if you are working on losing weight, you could share with kids that when you lose weight you will have the energy to swim with them in the pool, or ride bikes with them. Share with them your plan for when you will spend time on your workout today/this week. Get them excited about what THEY will doing during that time. It can be helpful to develop an affirmation/mantra that you can pull from Step 1 to remind yourself of as soon as you feel guilty for taking time away from the kids to work on personal goals.
Step 5 Be kind to yourself
All of the above steps boil down to this: be kind. Love yourself. Recognize that you are human and flawed, and that the best of plans are likely to get derailed, and it's really ok. As long as you are making an effort each day towards your goals, doing at least 1 task, no matter how small, that is forward movement. I like to use floral and citrus oils when I am trying to promote feelings of self-love (rose, jasmine, wild orange, roman chamomile, bergamot). Be Calm. Take a deep inhale of your favorite essential oil in your palms. Put a drop on your heart. Connect. Fill up your love cup.
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