I went for a walk today in the woods, begrudgingly, at first, because to be honest, I was more interested in sitting at the cabin, sipping my 500 PM glass of red wine, with my feet up on the ottoman, sinking into the oversized, fake leather couch. Although, it wasn’t 500 PM yet, so I had some time to kill. Bob wanted us to go, and I agreed immediately because I knew it would be good for me. I know all about the benefits of fresh air, vegetation, and gentle movement on your stress level and microbiome. If anything, I knew it would be good for my body.
As we started our walk, I braved the cool breeze around my legs. The sun was streaming through the trees, but it was still chilly. We walked a few minutes and I purposely loosened up my back and shoulders, moving them around, wanting to make this worth my time in so many ways. As always, my time on this walk needed to be productive. Bob gibber jabbered about his trapping activities, this bear crap here, this coyote crap here means this, they are eating deer, see the hair? “Yeah, yeah”… I thought. I listened a little, but actually paid more attention to his expressions and how animated he was. It was amusing and refreshing to see his face light up and his blue eyes sparkle for a time.
I started to notice the way the light shone on the tree trunks. I noticed the “old”, decrepit trunks intertwined with “young” and fresh, trunks. I let my mind wander thinking about age, and how we strive to avoid it. This led to a brief conversation with Bob about peri-menopause and menopause, and how our poor female bodies literally can no longer handle the stress that we put ourselves through. I explained that our adrenal glands become the only source of estrogen and progesterone, but our bodies still need those hormones to perform basic functions. So when we experience stress, our adrenals produce adrenaline and cortisol, thereby shutting down the estrogen and progesterone production. He listened a little, but primarily he heard “don’t stress me out when I get old”. And that was the main message anyway. It was a lighthearted conversation, which suddenly transitioned to - “Babe, I’m really happy you came up here with me. It means a lot, it makes me feel closer to you”. Score! We could have ended the walk at that moment and it would have been worth it. But we kept going because now I was in the zone.
As we walked back along the same path to the truck, I reflected on my progress, and whether or not the walk had been worth it. My legs felt a little looser, my back certainly did, and overall, yes, I truly felt less stressed. I had a momentary fleeting thought about how refreshing it was to be in the woods, away from the current coronavirus pandemic, and the non-existent toilet paper problem. I thought, “Wow, we really could stay up here until this all passes over”.
Then the wind blew and it struck me that I never realized how loud the woods are. Everyone talks about the silence, the quiet. But in the winter with deciduous trees lined up in rows, the wind sounds as loud as a huge fan in a hanger. My mind continued to wander, and I noticed a tree with smooth bark, a gorgeous gray color standing on its own, with a clearing around. I pointed it out to Bob, and he educated me that this was, in fact, a dead tree… So the dead tree was the one with the beautiful bark, the one I noticed in the midst of the others. My eyes paused at the other trees with withered bark, with striations, with clumps of soft green moss on them. How interesting that the one I had paid attention to and thought was young, was in fact, dead. The ugly tree was the one that is soaking in the sun, interacting with its environment, while the smooth skinned tree was no longer vibrating or contributing in any way. What did this mean about people? Was there a connection, a message I was supposed to be gathering from this experience? Perhaps, a reminder that the woman with the perfectly coiffed and highlighted hair, clear makeup caked skin, could actually be feeling dead inside… And that the lady with the wrinkles around her eyes and laugh lines is someone who has been interacting with her world and engaging in her life. I shook my head, “No, that can’t be it. That’s trite. How many times have I seen articles and memes about women’s wrinkles meaning wisdom?” I already knew that message cerebrally. That could not be what God was trying to teach me from this experience.
Yet, I knew this was a God moment. As we finalized the walk and I could see our starting point, it came to me. “Be Present”. That was my word of the year that I had been working on, trying to move myself out of only focusing on personal self-care, and moving more into being attentive with my favorite people and the experiences that are presented to me in the world. I had been trying to join the real world with my “me” time. I understood his message finally. Being present does not mean paying close attention to every word Bob says, being present does not mean paying attention to my responses, it doesn’t even mean listening to the wind, or smelling the soil for the entire walk. It just means paying attention to what you want to pay attention to.
You see, I needed to see Bob’s amused expressions, lighthearted conversation, and I needed to feel his happy mood. This had been a particularly hard week for him, and as a result, a hard week for both of us. There is always worry when a loved one is sinking and struggling emotionally. I needed to be distracted and pay attention to sounds, smells, sun, beauty, happy, and ugly. Everything I noticed was what I needed to notice right now, in this moment. Be present, my loves, it’s worth it. You will be awakened.
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